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[personal profile] kebab1806
I want to apologise to everyone for being such a miserable cow recently, to be honest with you it’s not gonna get better anytime soon.

All this week I’ve had a dodgy gut, I won’t go into details but needless to say it wasn’t pleasant. I’ve also had what I can only describe as a feeling like someone’s sticking my voodoo doll's stomach with needles. Cos this has gone on all week and has been disturbing my sleep I went to the doctors today.

I saw a very nice female doctor who’s around my age and she was extremely thorough. She asked soooo many questions. Could I be pregnant? Was I in a relationship? Why wasn’t I? Did it upset me that I wasn’t? and on, and on, and on. She asked all about my periods, my weight and my moods. At one point she asked if there was anything I wanted to talk about as I looked a little teary. True to form I burst into tears, don’t ask why I can’t tell you.

Anyway long and short is that the pain in my stomach, my weight, my periods and my moods (read teary spells) could all be realted and I’m having all the tests run on my blood possible. I’ll be surprised if I have any left by the time they’ve finished, so we’ll see if that turns anything up.

She offered to talk if I needed to get anything off my chest, but I’m not comfortable doing that with a complete stranger face to face. I think she knows as well as I do that everything’s getting to me again and that it’s affecting my health. So I’m gonna type it all out here, cos you guys are awesome and will, hopefully pull me out of this slump.

OK, I can’t remember if I’ve posted anything about this here before so I’ll start at the beginning. I’m still living at home with the parents, they’re both retired and need some looking after. I have one sister, Karen, who has two beautiful little girls, Emma (4 in May) and Lauren (17 months).

My Dad is an alcoholic and has been since I was in my early teens, so we’re looking at coming up for 20 years. He’s also a control freak, everything has to be his way, he cannot be wrong. He also twists everything so it affects him, like we’re all bit players in the movie of his life. He’s already been hospitalized once because of the drinking and it’s escalated again recently. He is horrible to my Mum and treats her like a slave, she can’t do anything for herself without getting an earful from him. I would class it as mental abuse, something I think is just as bad as physical abuse. I remember one day quite a few years back I was holding my sisters new puppy, I mean brand new as young as you can get them. He wanted to get past and shoved me face first into the wall, luckily I managed to protect the puppy from getting squished by me. Unfortunately I saw red and kicked out at him back, something I am not proud of. He retaliated by slapping me round the face to which both myself and my sister punched him in the face at the same time, I know for a fact I pulled my punch, realizing what I was doing before I made contact but I doubt she did as she’s the one with the temper. Now as I said, I’m not proud of this, but he has left me alone since. He tends to do and say stuff when he thinks I can’t see or hear him. Karen’s a different matter, he picks an argument with her every time she comes round….which is a lot. He’s also really mean to Emma and Lauren and neither of them like spending time with him.

Now for my sister, she has never liked her own company and her husband works most weekends for extra money. This means that she is round here every weekend, with both the girls, who do not leave me alone. Don’t get me wrong I love that they love spending time with me, but I need my weekends, I have things I need to get done and unwind from the week. I have asked her to limit the time she spends with us at the weekends, but got told that if I didn’t want to see the kids then that was fine….my family specializes in guilt trips. So from 08:00-17:30 they are here, by the time they leave and I clear up after the kids I’m ready to drop.

You all know about the holiday, so I won’t go into that again. What’s next….oh yeah, work. I’m the supervisor of the invoicing team, I’m in charge of making sure targets are hit. The people in the team are not team players, they’re only looking out for themselves, which makes my job sooo hard. Yes it’s stressful but no more than I’m sure some of yours are.

OK, the dreaded topic of relationships. I have been single and celibate for what I can only guess is about 8 years. I’m not the sort of person guys ask out. I’m more the one they treat like one of the guys. Normally being single doesn’t bother me cos I really can’t see where I’d fit time in for anybody else. But recently I’ve been feeling a little lonely, it’d be nice to have someone to cuddle when I feel like this, or for someone to look after me for a change instead of the other way round. I’m gonna be honest and say that I don’t miss the sex, I’ve had better orgasms on my own than with any of my exs.

If anyone out there has anything that’ll cheer me up please feel free, I’m sick to death of crying the whole damn time.

Enough doom and gloom now, just wanted to explain why I’m not my normal self atm.

Have great weekends and I love you all.

Date: 2011-01-14 06:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

Oh, hon, I'm so sorry to learn all of this and so grateful that you feel that you can share it with your LJ friends. I wish I could be there right now to give you a great big hug, I really do.

I have a question for you, will PM you. ~huge hugs~

Date: 2011-01-14 07:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*hugs ya back*

Thanks honey

Date: 2011-01-14 06:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
WOW honey I don't know where in the heck to start!!! I can fully appreciate the alcoholic part in your life as my sister is as well, and she probably like your dad doesn't see it as a problem.

Him slapping you though?? WTF??!! jesus that is so far from alright that I don't even know how in the hell you managed to pull your punch in retaliation, you shouldn't feel bad, it's human nature to fight back, regardless of who it is!!

Your sister?? I understand she must get lonely, and wants adult companionship, but she has to realise that you need space too, she isn't the only one caring for people/children who rely on her, so do you!! AND you deserve some time away. Is there any chance you and she could go out for a meal? ya know a cheap tea and talk about it? If she tries the guilt trip ploy again, tell her this isn't about not wanting to see her or your nieces, just that you need a break too and it isn't fair that she doesn't support you. Coz it isn't, its a douchebag move and she knows that which is why she made the comment about her children!!

Now about the lack of relationships, I am so right there with you honey!! I find that all I do is work, work and then when I am free, none of my friends are so I either can't go out or I'm too freakin tired to do anything!! I am also lacking in a boyfriend, and find myself in the same position as you are. Guys want me as a friend but anything else?? yeah, not so much!! We should start up a lonely spn girls club and become hunters of men!! We could do regular meetings and think of fun ways to make them submit!! After my Leverage marathon (thanks entirely to you xx) I suggest chains and some kind of pain!! (parker influenced me there).

Now something to cheer you up!! ........................ Oh God I can't think of anything!! I'm sorry :0( but hey, I still think we should do our club!!

Date: 2011-01-14 06:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
He doesn't think he has a problem at all. He just thinks we're being .... idek, he's so old fashioned in his views on women, it's nearly victorian. Like Mum and I are just nagging women that have no sense and can't possibly be right about anything.

As for hitting me, I'm pretty sure he won't be doing that again. I've always been stronger than most women, Dad wanted a son and so I was raised like a boy. Even pulling the punch it had to hurt alot, I've been told I don't know my own strength.

I've tried explaining to my sister about needing space, she doesn't understand that we're not all alike and that just cos she doesn't need it, doesn't mean I don't. I know she doesn't mean any harm in it and if she knew it was making me ill she'd be devastated.

Oooh chains and pain, that's cheered me up a bit.

Thanks hun.

*hugs ya*
Edited Date: 2011-01-14 06:58 pm (UTC)

Date: 2011-01-14 08:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You know how you have trouble with your team working as individuals instead of as a team? could you maybe organise a team building thing where they HAVE to work as a team? it's just a thought but it could work x

**hugs ya back**

Date: 2011-01-14 08:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
If management would let me, which they won't, it would be hilarious to watch. I might just push for it for the entertainment value alone :D

Out of a team of five (which is made up of me, two part timers and two full timers), there are two people that keep the department running smoothly. Me and my sister (yes I can't even escape her at work) who's a part timer. If I want holiday I can only take one week out of every month cos otherwise certain things wouldn't get done.

See what you did, you started me ranting about something else now *headdesk*

I hate being all whiney sorry.

Date: 2011-01-14 09:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Nah!! whine away honey that's what were all here for!! and if you can't rant and tant and get it all out on LJ then what the hell use is it?!! There has been SO many times when I've wanted to rant and rave about stuff, but have held my tongue, only to rant to my poor unsuspecting rooomie, to be given a blank look coz she has no clue as to what the hell I'm talking about!! This of course usually gets me laughing which defeats the rant in the first just that weird!! lol. So you whine away chick I don't mind at all!!

P.S: I reccomend bungee jumping...then, when you pushed them off!! whoops I forgot to attach you sorry about that!! he he he x

Date: 2011-01-14 07:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh hon, I didn't know that you were having such a hard time and I'm really sorry to hear all that. I wish I could just drop anything and come to the UK to take you away for a little while. Sounds like you could really need that.

I'm sorry to heat about your dad. I don't have any RL experience with alcoholics (I'm thankful for that), but what I remember from my psychology classes is that a lot of them are crontrol freaks and like everything to go their way. The same with the guilt trips. And you shouldn't feel sorry about hitting him after he hit you, that'sjust a noraml reflex.

As for your sister, she needs to be a little more understanding. Everyone needs time for themselves, you too and she should accept that. Of course you love your nieces, but you're allowed to not babysit them all the time and still love them. You have to make that clear to her. You can't just give and give without ever getting somthing back.

Can't really help with the relationship thing. I mean I can understand you, but I don't know what to do, except try online dating if you like. It helped for me.

Well, to cheer you up: Tomorrow is Saturday and I'll post a new chapter. :)

Date: 2011-01-14 07:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks hun, I seem to hide my negative feelings alot from people, I don't like upsetting anyone. This is what's making it affect my health, I'm keeping too much bottled up but I have no one in RL to talk to.

I'm thankful you don't have experience with alcoholics, it's soul destroying. No matter what anyone says he just can't see that there's a problem or that it's affecting people. He is the reason I don't drink, I refuse to end up like that. I'm pretty sure he's the reason I'm single. They always say you end up with someone like your dad and there's no way in he'll that's happening.

Thanks again hun, can't wait for tomorrow's post. Fingers crossed I'll be kidfree to read it.

Date: 2011-01-15 02:47 am (UTC)
ext_14888: Yummy (Default)
From: [identity profile]
The people with the problems are usually the last ones to acknowledge it if they ever do sadly. I hope for the sake of himself and your family that he gets the help he needs.

It sounds like your sister is lonely to me. I'm not sure there's anything that could help with that really unless you were out of the house when they're there. Maybe to a movie or something else you'd enjoy doing.

I hope things improve for you soon. *hugs*

Date: 2011-01-17 05:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I am soooo sorry I didn't answer this hun, I feel like such a tool. Don't know what's going on with my head at the moment.

Thank you for your kind words and support, they mean the world to me. You guys are the only ones I can let this stuff out to, who isn't involved and won't judge.

Date: 2011-01-17 08:46 pm (UTC)
ext_14888: Yummy (Default)
From: [identity profile]
Not a problem. If anyone understands what it's like to have your head doing circles on your shoulders it's me. :)

I hope things will get better soon.


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