kebab1806: (awesome)
I want to apologise to everyone for being such a miserable cow recently, to be honest with you it’s not gonna get better anytime soon.

All this week I’ve had a dodgy gut, I won’t go into details but needless to say it wasn’t pleasant. I’ve also had what I can only describe as a feeling like someone’s sticking my voodoo doll's stomach with needles. Cos this has gone on all week and has been disturbing my sleep I went to the doctors today.

I saw a very nice female doctor who’s around my age and she was extremely thorough. She asked soooo many questions. Could I be pregnant? Was I in a relationship? Why wasn’t I? Did it upset me that I wasn’t? and on, and on, and on. She asked all about my periods, my weight and my moods. At one point she asked if there was anything I wanted to talk about as I looked a little teary. True to form I burst into tears, don’t ask why I can’t tell you.

Anyway long and short is that the pain in my stomach, my weight, my periods and my moods (read teary spells) could all be realted and I’m having all the tests run on my blood possible. I’ll be surprised if I have any left by the time they’ve finished, so we’ll see if that turns anything up.

She offered to talk if I needed to get anything off my chest, but I’m not comfortable doing that with a complete stranger face to face. I think she knows as well as I do that everything’s getting to me again and that it’s affecting my health. So I’m gonna type it all out here, cos you guys are awesome and will, hopefully pull me out of this slump.

OK, I can’t remember if I’ve posted anything about this here before so I’ll start at the beginning. I’m still living at home with the parents, they’re both retired and need some looking after. I have one sister, Karen, who has two beautiful little girls, Emma (4 in May) and Lauren (17 months).

My Dad is an alcoholic and has been since I was in my early teens, so we’re looking at coming up for 20 years. He’s also a control freak, everything has to be his way, he cannot be wrong. He also twists everything so it affects him, like we’re all bit players in the movie of his life. He’s already been hospitalized once because of the drinking and it’s escalated again recently. He is horrible to my Mum and treats her like a slave, she can’t do anything for herself without getting an earful from him. I would class it as mental abuse, something I think is just as bad as physical abuse. I remember one day quite a few years back I was holding my sisters new puppy, I mean brand new as young as you can get them. He wanted to get past and shoved me face first into the wall, luckily I managed to protect the puppy from getting squished by me. Unfortunately I saw red and kicked out at him back, something I am not proud of. He retaliated by slapping me round the face to which both myself and my sister punched him in the face at the same time, I know for a fact I pulled my punch, realizing what I was doing before I made contact but I doubt she did as she’s the one with the temper. Now as I said, I’m not proud of this, but he has left me alone since. He tends to do and say stuff when he thinks I can’t see or hear him. Karen’s a different matter, he picks an argument with her every time she comes round….which is a lot. He’s also really mean to Emma and Lauren and neither of them like spending time with him.

Now for my sister, she has never liked her own company and her husband works most weekends for extra money. This means that she is round here every weekend, with both the girls, who do not leave me alone. Don’t get me wrong I love that they love spending time with me, but I need my weekends, I have things I need to get done and unwind from the week. I have asked her to limit the time she spends with us at the weekends, but got told that if I didn’t want to see the kids then that was fine….my family specializes in guilt trips. So from 08:00-17:30 they are here, by the time they leave and I clear up after the kids I’m ready to drop.

You all know about the holiday, so I won’t go into that again. What’s next….oh yeah, work. I’m the supervisor of the invoicing team, I’m in charge of making sure targets are hit. The people in the team are not team players, they’re only looking out for themselves, which makes my job sooo hard. Yes it’s stressful but no more than I’m sure some of yours are.

OK, the dreaded topic of relationships. I have been single and celibate for what I can only guess is about 8 years. I’m not the sort of person guys ask out. I’m more the one they treat like one of the guys. Normally being single doesn’t bother me cos I really can’t see where I’d fit time in for anybody else. But recently I’ve been feeling a little lonely, it’d be nice to have someone to cuddle when I feel like this, or for someone to look after me for a change instead of the other way round. I’m gonna be honest and say that I don’t miss the sex, I’ve had better orgasms on my own than with any of my exs.

If anyone out there has anything that’ll cheer me up please feel free, I’m sick to death of crying the whole damn time.

Enough doom and gloom now, just wanted to explain why I’m not my normal self atm.

Have great weekends and I love you all.
kebab1806: (Default)
I've just got back from the doctors and I'm so down about it I just wanna cry.

Three months ago I was put on Orlistat, which is basically a diet pill. I have done what the doctor and the dietician have told me to do, but have only lost 8lbs. Apparantly this is not good enough, I've, and I quote "got to try harder and stop putting obstacles in the way". Just because I don't want to go to the gym or swimming cos I feel like a beached whale, I get a telling off, like I'm being silly or something. Now, not only do I not get to go out with my friends for a meal for another four months, I've somehow got to find time every evening to go for an hours walk. I'm also not allowed to work through my lunch and have to walk then too.

I swear next time I go to the doctors, I'll either be so stressed from my workload that I'm grey or out of work. Why can't they just listen to my reasons and not hear excuses. I mean do these sound like excuses to you, be honest:-

I go to work at six, I don't have a lunch break due to the workload, I get in about five, do

1. I do dinner
2. I shower
3. I make lunch for the next day
4. I deal with any problems my OAP parents have (you wouldn't believe the shit they get into while left alone)
5. I do any laundry, ironing etc
7. I do my hair
6. At about seven I actually sit down and relax

I know a lot of you are going to say that your days are the same, but try fitting 45 minutes of exercise into that. I would want to do it before I shower (don't have access to the shower in the morning), if I do that my hair will never get dried before I go to sleep. If I go out as soon as I get in, then shower, I'd be eating later than six and according to the doc that's a no no too. *throws hands in air* I can't win.

*sighs* sorry, I'm all doom and gloom again, at the moment I just hate my life.


kebab1806: (Default)

November 2011

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